Ask Ed: an Orcas Island Student Advice Column

Ed / Contributed photo

Dear Ed,

Because we have to use our computer cameras all the time, I can no longer cover mine with tape. Since being watched by the government is now unavoidable, what steps can I take to make friends with my FBI agent? 

Sincerely, Not At All Paranoid


Dear Not At All Paranoid (if that is your real name),

Firstly, I would like to thank you for bringing this important topic to my attention. The FBI officers monitoring our computer cameras have long been the neglected population in our country, cast aside, covered by a small piece of tape and forgotten. FBI agents are people too and they will be happy to see you again. It is quite easy to become friends with them, as long as you keep a low profile. With that being said, here is Ed’s simple list of Dos and Do Nots for making friends with your FBI agent:

Do — Start by removing any controversial, illegal, or illicit materials or contraband from your background.

Do Not — Display your poster-board detailing the activity of the lizard people that are definitely running our government.

Do — Show that you are a true-blooded American by wearing Chinese manufactured clothing.

Do Not — Wear socks with Crocs. This is not an FBI thing, just no one wants to be friends with someone who does that.

Do — Maintain an inconspicuous search history. Make yourself as boring as possible. Googling the cast of Friends, listening to music by Tim McGraw, or online shopping at Old Navy are all ideas to help you keep up your image.

Lastly, please stop googling “how to build a bomb.” We all get curious, but you are making their job a lot more difficult and are creating a hostile relationship. Once you have made yourself as normal as possible, it should not be difficult to become friends with your FBI officer. Talk to the camera a bit, and it never hurts to make a joke. Just remember, whatever you say can be used against you, so sometimes it is wise to do what most students do during class, and do not say anything at all.

Sincerely, Ed


Hey Ed!

Why can’t we use sexually explicit names in our Kahoots?

– Cool Guy Paul


Dear Cool Guy Paul,

So glad you asked! If you are talking about the way Kahoot does not allow some names to filter through, you will have to take that up with the Kahoot support team. If, however, you are asking why some teachers keep kicking you from the game due to your nickname choice, I have to tell you, you are just not being clever enough. If your nicknames were really great, they would fly straight over everyone’s head. You would not need to worry about being kicked off because no one would understand your nickname. I would give you some of my personal suggestions, but this is still a school newspaper. All I have got to say is try harder, Mr. Paul. Amateur move.

– Ed.

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