Aries: Happy Birthday! You are so lucky — you get to celebrate 2 birthdays under the fear of COVID.

Taurus: Were you able to assemble all the school supplies you needed for in-person class? Trying to find the miscellaneous pencils and notebooks all over your room sure was not easy, was it?

Gemini: Just because you have not downloaded TikTok does not mean you are better than the rest of us. Give in, we know you want to.

Cancer: You look like you cannot swim.

Leo: What even is the point of those thumb rings? Everyone knows you don’t listen to The Chainsmokers already.

Virgo: We are arbitrarily giving you the task of explaining the taboo of arriving at a dance on time to all underclassmen.

Libra: Squishmallows are not a healthy replacement for human interaction.

Scorpio: It has been over a year since we started wearing masks. How can you still not do it right? Say it with us: mask. Over. Nose.

Sagittarius: How dare you wear a side part?! And skinny jeans?! You are a disgrace to our generation.

Capricorn: Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, unlike you.

Aquarius: Have you ever met an Aquarius without anxiety and an overwhelming sense of existential dread? Us neither.

Pisces: Do not even try to come back to school acting like you have changed so dramatically. A new aesthetic will not alter your grating personality.

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