The man, the Mitch, the legend. / Photoshopper: Dagny Krüger
Recently, Senator Addison Mitchell McConnell Jr. has announced that at the age of 82, he will be retiring from the Senate. It has been leaked that the reason for McConnell’s departure is due to significant differences with former President Donald Trump. However, this leaked information is just a cover for the truth. Last summer, McConnell took an unexplained vacation to Australia and discovered the secrets of necromancy.
At first, reporters were confounded, and were bought off to keep McConnell’s secret, even going so far as to wipe records of his vacation. However, since his return to America, McConnell has been working on an unconventional project and there have been leaks that have brought to light new information. McConnell’s real reason for stepping down is that he has succeeded in resurrecting his father, Addison Mitchell McConnell Sr., who was born in 1917, and is going to support his election to the Senate. William Riply, a farmer from the 1920s whom McConnell Jr. accidentally resurrected in the graveyard from the grave next to his father’s, commented in an interview: “Ol’ Addison was no personal friend, but I saw him ‘round town ‘n he never nicked from anybody or beat anybody up!” Riply is a genuine guy, and he seemed to believe highly in the integrity of McConnell Sr.
McConnell Sr. will be running on a platform of prohibition, supporting women in the home, removal of criminal drug laws, and gun rights. It is a rare occasion that our older forefathers see fit to return and guide the government, but some people say that they hope that McConnell Sr. will guide this country back to what they call its “golden days.”
Speculation has also been aroused about the coincidence of an aging Biden running for president, and McConnell Jr.’s new talent for resurrecting the dead. Theories are flying about the possibility of McConnell Jr. stepping down in order to work shadowing Biden, so if the President were to suddenly pass away he could easily be brought back. Conspiracy theories are on the rise, spreading rumors about a nationwide plot to work backwards through the generations in America’s history, eventually reaching the crucial point of the Civil War. The most radical theorists seem to believe that the Confederacy will win this time around. Others believe that McConnell Jr.’s reported differences with Trump are all a farce, and his real goal is to resurrect Abraham Lincoln.
Finally, the official reason for McConnell Jr.’s retiring from the public eye is that he will be breeding Tasmanian Tigers, which he brought back from Australia. However, since the legality of transporting these creatures to America is in question, McConnell Jr. has decided to move construction of his Tasmanian Farm to Texas.