A pothole with a dangerous temperature / Photographer: Thian Armenia
Apparently, the potholes currently menacing Orcas Island School District student drivers have tested positive for COVID-19, the illness caused by the novel coronavirus. This presents far-reaching complications for the students and staff of Orcas Island School District.
Presently, few Orcas human residents have tested positive for the coronavirus, although more islanders report symptoms congruent with the virus. Luckily, as few test kits are currently available, Orcas Island illnesses are not factored into state or national statistics, which may play a role in this election year.
“Really, don’t get me started,” is all one local election worker said. “We got Trumpers saying it’s all a Democratic conspiracy, and Progressives lambasting Trump for his cuts to the CDC. None of that matters,” he said, while arranging a display of masks and face shields.
“I mean, what we need is a way to blame Obama and Hillary, and then we’ll be good to go,” he said.
Luckily, a vaccine is in the works, which will only cost the School District $900 per pothole, resulting in a total of $1.7 trillion.
“Frankly, it’s a bit above our predicted budget for the year,” said one unnamed OISD school facilities manager, “but if this is what’s needed to prevent the spread of coronavirus in the island pothole population, we’re all in.”
“Of course we’ve cancelled our monthly meeting,” said Peggy Weinmercaish, chairwoman of the Orcas Island Potholes Preservation Society. “We’ve really no choice, as most of our members are older,” she said. “Both of us, in fact. Still, we remain committed to protecting the Southern Resident Pothole population, which is genetically distinct from the Northern Transient Pothole population,” she explained.
Other groups have also cancelled or postponed events on Orcas Island. Even the iconic Kiwanis/Key Club paper airplane contest succumbed to administrative pressure to cancel the event.
“Look, putting out each other’s eyes with a bunch of paper airplanes just isn’t the best use of island resources at this point in time,” said one unnamed school administrator.
“Simply put,” said the administrator, “many of us stand to lose beloved potholes in the next few months, and that’s no joke — not even if you discard everything here except the first letter of each paragraph.”