Aries: Do not worry, calories during quarantine do not count.
Taurus: Bad internet connection does not excuse your obvious lack of concentration during class.
Gemini: Happy Birthday! Have fun celebrating from the comfort of your own home.
Cancer: Sun’s out guns out? More like sun’s out chub’s out, am I right?
Leo: We get it, you are bored, but for goodness sake stop posting on your Instagram story.
Virgo: Turning your camera off is not fooling anyone. We all know you just do not want to get out of bed.
Libra: Your cute animal posts are the one source of happiness we have left. Please continue to share them.
Scorpio: We see you buying those roller skates and ring lights — please do not rely on your TikTok career to save you from a college education.
Sagittarius: We have not heard from you in weeks… Are you still alive out there?
Capricorn: PSA: Wearing a mask will not work if you never wash it.
Aquarius: We admire how you are flourishing in quarantine — if only we all could be hermits like you.
Pisces: Apparently your sign has the highest number of serial killers. With fewer potential witnesses out and about, now is your chance to shine.