Aries: You must be so pleased eyebags are in style now. What a trendsetter…
Taurus: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway…
Gemini: Please remember to pick up Lactaid pills before the summer ice-cream parties begin. It is for your own good.
Leo: We foresee a very specific tattoo in your future. Do not try and escape it. It is inevitable.
Virgo: We better not see you in a sundress this summer. You can wait till college for that.
Libra: Going on college tours as a junior? Ugh, what an overachiever. Just kidding, we are all very jealous of how on top of it you are.
Scorpio: You and that quarantine bod are going to rock hot girl summer. No doubt about it.
Sagittarius: While we are willing to let your summer breaks remain a mystery, we hope you do turn back up in September one way or another.
Capricorn: Not going to lie, it seems like you are more worried about pollen than COVID. Just wear your mask and take a Claritin already.
Aquarius: Bestie! I am high-key going to miss you this summer, no cap! It is the not seeing you for three months for me…
Pisces: Perhaps next year the all-knowing horoscope diviner will treat you better, unless there really is some truth behind my words. Then you better watch out.