Dear Fauntleroy,
I know you have many admiring fans yet I am your number one. I composed this poem for you:
Roses are red,
Forget-me-nots are blue,
Who’s the cuddliest of cats?
By golly it’s you.
Apples grow on a tree
And grapes grow on the vine,
Would the cuddliest of cats
Be my Valentine?
Sincerely,
Your Number One Fan
Dear Fauntleroy,
Hope you have a wonderful Valentine’s day!
Sincerely,
Your biggest fan (6’ 8” and drives a Ferrari)
Dear Fans and Admirers,
Thank you for all the messages I received from you. I must say I was thoroughly flattered by each and every one of them. I also reject them all. Frankly, I found it rather sad and pathetic that you would write to someone you have never met and attempt to woo them with your poems and money. Rather, my advice to you is to find someone who you know and spend time with them. As well as lovers, Saint Valentine is also patron saint of beekeepers and epileptics, so perhaps enjoy a lovely date of sitting in a dark room with strobe lights while munching on honeycomb.
Sincerely,
Fauntleroy