Time Traveling Students in the Basement

In the past few weeks, rumors have been flying around from teachers and students. A few injuries have been reported but none fatal. What are these whispers in the quiet and the dark? What is being muttered in the depths of the bathrooms? Who is spreading these devilish, ineffable wisps of suggestions? Who is the source of this croaked gossip? Perhaps — time-travel? That’s it. Students are time-traveling. Cool, I guess.


Henry McMurray and Matia Schwartz get sucked away / Photographer: Conrad Hogle

Who are these students? It doesn’t matter to me, I want them to help me change the future for my liking. I mean — for the benefit of the United States civilians. Taxpayers. All of those guys. The good ones. I would have them go into the future and make them do my bidding — sorry, I mean, change the global weather, reverse the melting of icebergs, all that. The important stuff. Reduce carbon emissions. Whatever. So that every day is summer vacation! Once they got back I would tell them their next task, look deep into their eyes, and shout “back to the future!”

All my worries would be fixed and all of America’s problems fixed, of course. My worries and America’s worries are one and the same, as you know. I would also help China. Have that darn wall built to protect the American civilians from the place called Mexico. Hillary Clinton would be gone also because I would win the election. And the United States would be strong again. If you like this vision then I have one thing to say. Vote Trump. Thanks.

This is just conjecture, of course. There aren’t time-traveling students doing my bidding, trapped in my basement, entering the wormhole void-thing that started swirling in my closet a few months back. Nothing to worry about. It’ll be fine. They can’t find the key to get out. No one will know what’s going on.