(Originally Posted in 2016. And yes, it is still satire.)
As many community members know, students at Orcas High School have been advocating for condom distribution throughout the high school for some time now. Recently, however, in a shocking change of heart, the students of Orcas High have decided the school will be a better place without condoms. This is a very surprising revelation for many, and one anonymous student advocate was not afraid to discuss the matter. “We just feel that teenagers would much prefer to have unprotected sex instead of experiencing the hassle of ‘safe sex.’ Distributing condoms also encourages teenagers to act extremely poorly. Just looking at a condom can make students five times more sexually active. And that’s a fact.” Many other students pointed out the obvious fact that a high school is simply not the right place for condoms. They said the idea of distributing condoms to teenagers in a place where teenagers are five days of the week simply does not make sense. Condoms should be readily available in places where teenagers are rarely found, this is why a new effort is being made to make condom distribution even more obscure. New condom machine locations include Indian Island, the tower on Mount Constitution, the end of the footprint trail at Ace Hardware, an airplane cabin during a famous Orcas Island Biplane Tour, and inside of the pages of a book on abstinence at the Orcas Library. Hopefully this will encourage young adults to buy condoms at the pharmacy so they can experience the true embarrassment of buying condoms — embarrassment which all people can agree is part of growing up. The school is also now launching a new abstinence campaign for the students. Gold stars will be handed out to Orcas High students who can actively participate. Along with this new campaign, posters will be hung throughout the school warning students of the dangers of condom usage. These posters aim to warn students of possible hole or breakage that could occur. It is important for students to learn these risks and understand why condoms are so dangerous. Another student opened up about an experience they had when they saw a condom machine at a school on a basketball trip. “It was just so devastating to see that this school had dropped to such a low level. I couldn’t believe this school would encourage such behavior.” This student also reported having extreme headaches, nausea, and strong sexual urges. Since this sudden realization, the high school has had a much more “pure” feeling. Students and staff are recognizably happier and parents are thrilled as well. One parent discussed the cost condoms in school has on their lives. “If my child is subjected to seeing condoms everyday they will be much more likely to ask me questions about what sex is. This will lead to such an awkward conversation that nobody wants to have, of course it should be avoided!” Students are also very happy to have more work opportunities thanks to this new no-condom, abstinence based sexual education program. Casting for the popular TV show “Teen Mom” has been booming. As one high school teen said, “Not having condoms readily available provides students with so many new opportunities! Opportunities like contracting an STI or becoming pregnant and dropping out of high school! Students love new opportunities!”