Mr. Austin joins the Washington Wizards

Huge news for all three Washington Wizards fans out there: our very own Maurice Austin has publicly announced that he is coming out of retirement and will be joining the team.

While he had previously denied any yearning to step back into the limelight, Austin claims this year is different. “In years past,” he says, “I had my students to worry about. I couldn’t just leave them to play basketball. My students this year however, all seem to share the same two brain cells. I just don’t think they would notice my absence.”

To not worry the few astute pupils who would notice their missing teacher, Austin said he taped a picture of his face to the whiteboard. Principal Freeman declined to answer when asked what he thought of the decision.

Meanwhile, Tommy Sheppard, the manager of the Wizards, is ecstatic at the announcement. “I have been in the industry for a long time. I’ve seen stars come and go, but I have never, never seen anyone compare to [Maurice]. To think that such a legend in the industry is gracing this team with his presence… Frankly, I nearly flopped down and vomited all over my daughter’s shoes, I was so happy.” he told our reporter. I can’t say I blame him.

Austin is a part of basketball history, having been a player in the first recorded game ever, the 1895 Hamline v. Minnesota game; he scored all nine points for Wisconsin and two for Hamline. He has been going strong ever since and holds more records than any other NBA, WNBA, EuroLeague, or ACB than anyone else. Austin currently has more civilian casualties under his belt than any other player, with most of that number coming from the infamous ‘Monday Massacre’ of 1987.


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When we asked him what his greatest achievement was, he replied “That’s hard to say. It either has to be when I scored my first basket, because, hey, that’s what started this all, right? Either that or when I beat the Bluefins so hard it erased them from the space-time continuum. That was really something to watch.”

The Wizards, which have had less than stellar performance in the past couple of seasons, have already won more games this year than any other. In light of Austin’s return, the Lakers have already dropped out for the rest of the season. Head coach Frank Vogel explains “My boys aren’t ready for that kind of pressure. It just isn’t fair to let them live in fear their next game might be against that… Thing. When he heard about it, LeBron just curled up and started mumbling ‘I’m so sorry God, please not him’ over and over. Things are really bad here.”

Other teams have had similar reactions but Austin assures “I am not here to relive my glory days, so you don’t need to worry. I just want to help my favorite team [the Wizards.] I won’t really even be playing, actually.”

Previous championship predictions have been completely overturned, with the Wizards now anticipated to win first, second, and third in the bracket. Indeed, the reaction to Austin’s return has been so extreme, the Super Secret High Council of the Holy Laws Pertaining to Basketball even considered creating rules to ban Maurice Austin from playing the sport. Sheppard claims that the ruling was only made to spite him after he created an even more secret and higher council, saying “They didn’t give two goose udders when [Austin] caused the entire rest of the league to retire in 1997! That… Council is only doing it to hurt me!”

We interviewed Council spokesperson Michelle Lorraine Patton (who, to protect her identity, will be referred to as ‘Q’ from here on) what the real reason was for the rule, and she asserted “It was only ever an idea we tossed around. No one ever had any idea of passing it. We’re all too afraid of what he [Austin] would do to us.”
Q continues, “Our old leader once tried to make a rule banning [Austin], but the day after he brought it up in earnest, he went missing. We haven’t heard of him since.”

The Council has since publicly apologized for their impulsive plans, claiming they were only joking. Despite not playing for over a decade, I am sure Maurice Austin has plenty in store for us and that this will be an amazing year to watch.


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