Freshmen attempt to use a spoon as a mirror

Freshmen struggling to catch a glimpse of their reflections in a spoon / Photographer: Thian Armenia

Anyone who has ever laid eyes on the unique, meticulously-designed interior of the boys’ locker room might have questioned, if only for a brief moment of doubt, the fact that there is not a single mirror present in the room. This absence of reflective surfaces has sparked both curiosity and fear in many students: what event could have possibly led to the removal of mirrors? Or, even more terrifyingly, is the answer so blatantly obvious that to voice cluelessness on the matter would lead one to sound extremely ignorant or even half-witted? “I’ve just never said anything, I’m too scared,” said one student.

There seems to be an air of silent confusion and shame surrounding the matter, especially for the male students who use the locker room. Small groups of males often congregate at odd hours in the toilet stall to take turns peering furtively at their reflections in the metal parts of the toilet or sink faucets, certain that their use of a reflective surface must be illicit in some way. “I sometimes polish the flusher,” one sophomore said. “Otherwise it gets dull.” Other individuals stash tiny pocket mirrors in their sports bags, hoping to take a quick secretive peek as they retrieve their gear from its depths, while others pretend to be taking pre-game selfies, only to be utilizing their phone camera as a mirror. Such a situation is worrisome, exhibiting that the mirrorlessness question is in dire need of clarification, for the sake of those who carry a confused shame, or those who have even considered meddling with the locker room decor.

A thorough investigation of the matter has revealed an answer so clear that it is embarrassing that OIHS students, educated in a school entrenched in ancient Viking values and customs, could have failed to realize the reason behind the absence of mirrors. This article, hopefully, outlining what should have always been clear had students been properly educated on topics of gender, will spare many from having to admit ignorance.

There are no mirrors, of course, for one clear and sacred cause: the preservation of precious masculinity. School leaders long ago had the foresight to recognize that the critical endangerment of masculinity would be an urgent crisis in the 21st century, and ingeniously chose to avert or at least slow its degradation — hoping that OIHS, home of the Vikings, could at least be a masculine safe haven in what would surely be an increasingly feminized world — by refusing to install mirrors in the locker room at all. “I am truly inspired by these men; I respect their commitment to such an important issue. They are the reason our male sports teams are what they are today,” said Athletic Director Ryan Wilson.“Not having mirrors really cemented everything we are trying to uphold here, as a school and athletic program.” The loss of the football team, a tragic consequence of masculine erosion, is small compared to the utter disappearance of male athletes that mirrors would have caused by now.

The logic behind the move is simple: mirrors promote a feminine preoccupation with physical appearance, which can lead to the highly anti-masculine practice of preening. Preening hinders man’s ability to properly function under traditional standards of manliness; providing a mirror for teen males is like offering a urinal for teen girls, for not only is such an instrument completely unnecessary, but it is actively endangering sacred gender roles and behaviors, poisoning uncorrupted minds. “The mirror is a window into the feminine; it triggers womanliness,” explained a prominent expert in masculinity science.

In the modern age, it is easier than ever to risk rupturing the fragile sheen of respectable manliness that is left; with women more rampant than ever, distracting men from their pursuits, it would be irresponsible and counterproductive to add to young males’ troubles the distraction of their own bodies as well. It is not their responsibility to resist their reflections, but the school’s duty to protect them, to shield them from corruptible influences.

A mirror is not merely a sheet of silvered glass, but a dangerous instrument. Perhaps it once held respectable purpose for men, but it has evolved, becoming tainted with femininity. Allowed to occupy the locker room, even a single mirror could lead to mass degradation of culture, a complete collapse of society as we know it, perhaps even blurring the sacred gender divide that is so integral to the fabric of our world. “I see it now, so clearly,” said one junior who has admitted to using a mirror on a regular basis. “I am so ashamed. I promise I’ll do better now, and get clean. I already drove over that pocket mirror I’ve had since freshman year.”

Students, of course, are not to blame for ever questioning the matter, nor are males to be punished or looked down upon for their innocent, although damaging, ventures into the toilet stalls to peek at their reflections in the toilet bowl. Hopefully, having educated such poor individuals, this article will have ensured that such instances will never be repeated, allowing males to instead freely embrace and safeguard their masculinity. As one student said, “now I can be the man I need to be.”

Stick man can not see muscles

Doodler: Maurice Austin

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