Michael Shanks: secret soccer savior?

Michael Shanks is known to disappear for days on end or even randomly from his classroom. Many a Spanish class has wondered where he goes. He offers little explanation for this phenomenon, and his children know even less. The Viking Voice reporters went deep undercover to discover what is really going on under the llama sweater. A source close to the government spoke with us and to keep our and their privacy we will keep this article anonymous.

The government’s true purpose, as we all know, is to make sure that Americans succeed in sports, in all areas. We were not doing well in soccer at this time and many of the South American countries were beating us often and by a large amount. There were World Cups to win and Olympics to place in. Shanks had worked as a federal agent for years, highly valued for his knowledge of Spanish and was sent undercover to Bolivia to learn the culture and soccer skills. Bolivia was chosen because of its location close to other high talent countries and unsuspecting nature. Agent Shanks was the only man for the job with his Spanish and lab training. He was to create the perfect soccer players and bring them to the United States. He watched the local people and players from other countries play and, keeping in mind how they succeeded, began to work on genetically modified soccer players. GMOs have benefited America for years in almost all areas, so why would the American way fail Shanks now?

Our inside source tells us that attempt after attempt failed to create perfection, but Agent Shanks was chosen for a reason; his dogged tenacity. He persevered by adopting dogs to help in this quest. Shanks discovered that the truth of soccer is not known by people, but by canines. Using government-issued canine translators he would talk to them in Spanish, and they would whisper secret truths about the universe. Agent Shanks realized, through the dogs, that he could never make the perfect soccer player for the United States. He continued to learn the secrets of the universe from Bolivian dogs until being forced back to the states by his coworkers, and retiring to a teaching position. There is a possibility that he is still a valuable resource and consulted from time on federal government matters.

So ask yourself, why has Shanks been teaching us about dictatorships? He might know too much. As a friendly reminder: do not ask him about this. They will find you.

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