Lizard-Human Debacle

sal human man

Sal slips up showing his true form while lounging in his terrarium  / Contributed photo

Recently, Orcas Island High School has been turned on its head by a new discovery concerning the recently started lizard-human debacle. Lizard people have been emerging from their hiding places and causing quite a shock in the community, but the community has slowly been adjusting.

We thought the controversy was slowing down, but new evidence has been unveiled that sends any progress back to the beginning. “I’d kind of gotten used to the whole ‘some of my friends are secretly lizard people pretending to be human, maybe for nefarious purposes, who knows’ thing, but this is just crazy,” says a random student supposed to represent the rest of the student body, “I mean, like, no way, bro.”

The event that this anonymous student is referring to is the shocking fact that our pal Sal, the resident salamander, is in fact a human male masquerading as a lizard. For those unfamiliar with Sal, he is a supposed “lizard” who hangs out in the biology room and has inspired many whiteboard artworks with his beauty and grace. Not once have his admirers questioned his identity.

Many students who have put great energy into loving Sal are shocked by this betrayal. “When he ate his twin brother out of starvation, I thought it was just a normal lizard thing,” states Claire Bishop Martin, an AP Biology student, “I never thought I’d have to categorize him mentally as a human cannibal. This throws off my internal ethics entirely I’m not sure I can love him as a lizard child anymore. Who is he? What does this mean?”

Sal could not be reached for comment because boy is he committed to acting like a lizard. Whether Sal is completing a social experiment or trying to infiltrate the ranks of the lizard people to discover their “alleged” plan for “probable” world domination, one thing is for sure, we all really want to see him try and get out of that tiny lizard suit.

“I’d just like to say it’s very likely Sal could win the Guinness World Record for smallest human man,” states Ray Doss, noted lizard person. “Just to coax him out, since he wants fame and fortune or whatever. I don’t want to fight him for pretending to be a lizard, which is a very important part of my heritage. I’m just inviting him to meet me behind the school at three for a little talk.”