Yet Again, Your Certified Future: Horoscopes


Get ready to be hit with some inspiration, Aries! That is if inspiration is your cousin’s smug attitude when he visits next month. We get it Jared, you run track and you shower regularly.


It’s time to open up to the people around you! Let them in. Literally consume them like the chicken tenders you hide your feelings behind.


One percent low fat milk one percent low fat milk one percent low fat milk one percent low fat milk ONE PERcenT LOw FaT mILk ONE PERCENT LOW FAT MILK ONE PERCENT LOW FAT MILK!


You need a new life motto … and a new name, and total reconstructive surgery, maybe change the way your voice sounds, dye your hair a different color, invest in a large pair of sunglasses. They’ve found you.


You can do anything if you just believe! That’s all I’m going to write on this one because just saying that is funny enough on its own. You can do anything! Haha. 


There may be more to life than eggs, but I have no idea what it is. Give me some of that sweet, sweet egg.


Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhnhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh … 

Find the n and reblog in 5 seconds to make a wish! 


Don’t let the “what-ifs” keep you up at night. Like, what if she doesn’t like me, what if I get an F on the test tomorrow, what if … what if we were all made out of a bunch of tiny people all stuck together, and whenever we went to sleep they all disbanded and ran around in tiny semi-circles until the light of day signals that it is time to return.


Why do people have lips? Think about it. Why do we have lips? WE WANT THE TRUTH. WE WANT THE TRUTH. 


We can all learn something from the small things in life, like barnacles. We should all follow the barnacles’ example. Wrap yourself tightly around a rock and wait for the tide. Do not let the pleadings of your loved ones deter you.


Dude, I’ve Seen Your Future, and That Stuff Is Pretty Weird Bro. Please Stop Using Your Used Socks like That. Please.