The investigators at The Viking Voice are afraid that they have to release some unfortunate news to their faithful readers. An intensive investigation has revealed that Orcas Island High School has a population of underground lizard people who walk among us. At great personal risk, a reporter has delved deep into the lizard peoples’ secret society in an attempt to expose them one by one. It is with great pleasure that I expose the first monthly lizard person as … drum roll please … RAY DOSS!
Yes, you read that right. Doss has been lying to us all. Underneath his smiling and congenial exterior, Ray Doss is a lizard person. He sheds his skin at night to reveal an even more terrifying appearance than usual. As an average lizard person, Doss enjoys typical lizard activities such as chilling with his lizard homies and listening to soul Rhythm and Blues, or RnB. “I’m just looking for acceptance,” says Doss when asked about recent lizard related world catastrophes and other shocking lizard events. “Although I was discovered against my will, this is a message for all the young lizard people in the world. You can be any type of lizard person you want to be. I’m hoping my coming out as a lizard person will inspire others to be proud of who they are, and join the swelling ranks of the lizard army,” he ended tearfully.
Despite Doss’ contradicting messages he seems hopeful for his and the other secret lizard peoples’ futures. “One day,” he whispers, staring with his deep brown eyes into my soul, “one day we will rise, just like my grandmother’s prize soufflé.”
The lizard peoples’ ultimate goal remains in question. Our investigative reporter plans to look even deeper into the mysteries of the lizard people. While much is a mystery about this noble, coldblooded race, what we do know is that they’re mean, green, and slightly moist.