Horoscopes, take 2


It’s time to go shopping! Your recent influx of money means that the new banana hammock you’ve had your eye on is yours!


Everyone in your life agrees that it is, and to quote my mother, “time for you to get a job, you stupid hippie.”


We move forward with Operation Snail at midnight.


You will talk and talk. You never stop talking and there will never be silence again. Tears run down your face and your wife has left you.


An important phrase to keep in mind is “home is where the heart is”. Why do you have a human heart? Please inform the police.


If there were enough crabs, they could do anything. Isn’t that inspiring?


Leo kinda sounds like Lion. It’s time to unleash the lion inside of you. If you switch the “i” and the “o” in lion then it becomes loin. It’s time to unleash the loin inside of you.


It’s time to go on an adventure. Face a random direction and start walking. On this island you won’t even be slightly surprised where it takes you.


Please leave your room. You’ve been in there for three days. Your mother is starting to worry.


Nature calls you. Timothy… Timothy… Timothy… Timothy… embrace me…


Have you seen The Human Centipede? That movie is really weird. Please don’t watch it.


Planets, Plants, Pieces, Pie, Pickle, Pomegranate, Pomeranian, Power. Power. Power. Power. Power. Power.