Totally real picture of Landon Carter on a floaty in an endangered pothole on the OHS campus / Photoshopper: Meg Waage
These days, billions of dollars are being donated to save our earth each year through NASA explorations, animal safety, hospitals, and lessening poverty and hunger. But today, I am asking you to consider the Pothole Preservation Fund (PPF) in your annual donations. Although these other causes appear noble, they only benefit 98.779 percent of the human population, leaving 100 percent of the pothole population vulnerable. Without your generous donation to the PPF, the pothole population is uninsured and unprotected. Potholes are just as worth saving as humans.
As a functioning nonprofit organization, the PPF’s mission is to provide equality and safety for our companionable craters while strengthening the relationship between human beings and potholes. Many ignorant teachers and businesspeople complain about the damage our potholes do to their vehicles or to the inconvenience of the bumps, but we can easily compare these potholes to puppies. Both fluffy and comforting, they are always there when we need emotional support. Running your fingers along the rough edges of a road divot offers the same comfort that a puppy’s ears do. Again, the two have much in common: puppies leave stains and destroy leashes, and potholes leave dents and destroy bumpers. Would you donate to save puppies that cannot save themselves? If your answer is yes, donate to save innocent potholes at www.potholepreservationfund.com/givemoolarichesandbucks.
You may still be thinking that a better place for your money is an animal protection organization or a cause that will help save endangered species; I can assure you that such organizations are worthless. The precious potholes in our parking lot are endangered, like animals such as the giant panda or the tiger, but our potholes are at an even bigger risk of extinction. Because of previous generations’ lack of education on the benefits of potholes, the entire human population is out to eliminate them.
Not only do our favorite divots provide emotional support for us when going through times of hardship, but they also provide entertainment. Students who are speeding through the parking lot at 8:28 am to get to school on time have been going over those potholes at 30 miles per hour for years. One cannot imagine any more exciting way to arrive at school. A senior, who prefers to remain anonymous, revealed that “the drive to school will probably be the only thing I miss most about Orcas when I leave next year. The adrenaline I feel when shooting over the potholes, 30 seconds before class starts, is what kick-starts my day. I couldn’t get through six classes without it. I sure hope Harvard has potholes like ours in their parking lot.”
Donating to protect and advocate for these treasured ruts will help support devoted students. By gifting just one dollar (or even 50 cents) to the PPF, you can prevent pothole haters from dumping filthy, gritty, messy gravel, or even worse, asphalt, on our beautiful and handcrafted potholes.