Five-Hour Energy found to result in immortality

The fountain of youth / Photoshopper: Juliette McKenney

It is widely known that energy drinks are bad for you. They put stress on your muscles, drive your heart rate up, and of course, some of them shorten your life. Recently, researchers attempting to prove this fact with concrete evidence found something entirely different.

When the test subject rats drinking the Five-Hour Energy sample lived not shorter but longer than the other rats, the researchers were shocked. They changed the study to focus on the benefits of Five-Hour Energy. When the Five-Hour Energy was removed from the rat’s cages, they immediately died, seemingly of old age. No change occurred over the next year for the rats who continued to drink the Five-Hour Energy.

When timed, the rats all died after exactly five hours away from their Five-Hour Energy dishes. The rats who died despite being a part of the test sample for Five-Hour Energy were found, when observed, to have waited over five hours to drink the formula again.

The researchers moved their testing on to other animals, now specifically selecting animals nearing the end of their lives. The evidence continued to show that the animals who drank Five-Hour Energy lived long past the other animals of the same age who did not.

As the study neared an end, the lead researcher (who has asked to remain anonymous due to a potential of ethical questioning) tragically contracted a fatal disease. As they got closer and closer to the predicted end of their life, they came to a decision. They would try taking Five-Hour Energy. They had nothing more to lose. Every four and a half hours, they drank a Five-Hour Energy and, miraculously, although they had not been cured, they continued to live long past their supposed death date.

The motivation of the researchers was renewed and the study was extended to allow for human testing. Using terminal patients in hospitals as test cases, it has now been shown that Five-Hour Energy will extend your life by exactly five hours per bottle.

Furthermore, the researchers have also found that this is cumulative. If someone drinks four bottles of Five-Hour Energy at the same time, it does allow them an extra twenty hours of life.

When we reached out to Manoj Bhargava, CEO and founder of Five-Hour Energy, for comment on the miraculous properties of his product he refused to comment. When further research was conducted it was found that we do not know Bhargava’s date of birth.

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