Ryan Krisch-Derr overcome with senioritis / Photographer: Meriel Griffith
High school is rarely thought of as a place students go to relax. It is understandable that, by senior year, many students are suffering from the common symptoms of the dreaded malady known as senioritis. Years of writing essays, analyzing passages from the 1500s, and learning all about the mitochondria leave many high school seniors eager for a break longer than summer. Motivation begins dropping at an alarming rate, leading to lower performance than usual. In centuries past, the onset of senioritis has been a cause for consternation in parents, teachers, and students alike. However, high school seniors no longer have to despair when they begin feeling the strain.
After decades of painstaking research and countless, rather ethically questionable experiments on high school seniors, scientists have finally discovered that there is a cure for senioritis. Doctor Herring, the lead scientist of a newly published study on senioritis, spoke to our reporter, Theodore Vacarella, about this groundbreaking discovery: “The lengths we’ve gone to in order to discover this cure are astounding, but all our back-breaking work has been worth it. At last, my team has found a way to relieve senioritis-ridden seniors all over the globe!”
The cure, as it turns out, is simpler than anyone thought possible. Forget energy drinks and an early bedtime; Doctor Herring’s team of experts are saying that the necessary treatment consists of a single step: dropping out of school. When the class load gets too heavy and you lose all motivation to do schoolwork, dropping out is a quick and easy fix. Additionally, the cure has very few drawbacks. Parents may be in shock and your teachers somewhat disappointed, but what is a high school diploma when you could be watching Netflix instead of doing Calculus for hours on end? Some students have also reported higher levels of loneliness than usual after leaving their social pool, however this data may be somewhat skewed.
Orcas Island High School senior Shaye Spinner was one of the first to try the new cure. “It was like I was totally free from the chains of society,” Spinner remarked. “I spent all day playing ukulele for my chickens. Just think, I can now use my time to enrich my fowl instead of toiling over infographics!” (When asked about what her mother thought of her decision to give up a high school diploma, Spinner choked and became unable to comment).
Seniors can now rest at ease knowing that there is a cure for this feared disease. Reports have come in from over 79 countries from seniors happily relieved of their academic burdens and more are sure to follow as news of the cure spreads, mainly through students’ social media accounts, confused law enforcement agencies, and concerned school boards. For anyone interested in more information, Doctor Herring’s team has published the full study on their website, senioritisredherring.org, and will answer any questions you may have over the telephone during their office hours of 1-2 AM EST. So, seniors, fear no more. If you feel senioritis coming on too strongly, all you have to do is drop out of high school and the weight of your responsibilities will float away.