We Washingtonians are no strangers to rain. In fact, many who live in the Pacific Northwest are more surprised to see the sun peeking through a stormy gray sky than to find our gardens drowned, or our cars shiny and clean. Nevertheless, local weather forecasters have predicted a natural phenomenon that will surely leave all of us shaking in our rain boots.
Multiple meteorologists have found that in the next few weeks, western Washington, specifically the San Juan Islands, will experience record-breaking rainstorms, causing serious flooding and other damage. In fact, it has been predicted that the largest bodies of water, such as Orcas Island’s Cascade Lake, can be expected to rise about 70 to 80 feet. Not only will the road connecting the park to Eastsound be flooded, but likely the town itself, as well as much of the rest of the island. Local officials urge inhabitants of Orcas Island to drive up to the top of Mount Constitution, where they hopefully will be above the lake’s reach. One notable figure warns that “the tower is for government officials only, so bring your own d*mn shelter.”
So what can you do to prepare for the oncoming flood? Well, there are two major options: either pack your bags and scurry up the mountain, or, like Noah and his ark, prepare to face the waters head on. It is highly recommended that all citizens build their own vessels in anticipation that the lake rises higher than expected, and even Mount Constitution is covered by its murky freshwater torrent. However, this is very unlikely, and even if you do not own what is, in the legal sense, a “boat,” almost anything buoyant enough to support your weight will suffice. Top household items recommended to be used as watercraft include but are not limited to: wooden doors, trash can lids, car tires, and large cutting boards. Please do not panic. After all, in the words of one prestigious government official, “the Democratic Party is electing another old white guy, no one is in school anymore, and we all might die from COVID-19. What did you think would happen next?”