Your Certified Future: Horoscopes


You’ve wanted to change something about your life recently. Maybe your relationships with others, or maybe it’s how you treat yourself. I mean, once in a while is fine, but you have to know when to stop. Valentine’s Day is over, you don’t have an excuse for eating an entire box of See’s Candies in one sitting. Try having a banana next time you feel the urge, or just tell yourself “No.” Be strong, chocolate will never fill your emptiness within.


Because of your adventurous go-getting attitude, you’re likely to fall down a lot lately. Avoid high places and gravel. Good luck.


Go out to your childhood home and remember better times for a unique perspective on the innocence of childhood and the process of growing up and maturing. No American classics have ever been written about this subject before.


Stop doing the thing you’re doing, you know which one I’m talking about. Stop it.


Try and get a job. Your parents and friends both agree that you’ve been bumming around long enough. And buy some new shoes.


Don’t trust anyone. You know. Like that line from The X-Files.


Push yourself to try to reach new goals, if you do your best there’s like a 50/50 chance you’ll achieve something.


Keep your friend close to you in this trying time, at least within 6 inches but no closer than 2 inches.


Change your name to Becky and move to a foreign country. They’re coming for you.


You’re a piece of art, so don’t sell yourself short. A hundred dollars should cut it.


Spend some time getting to know yourself. Travel to the Himalayas where you’ll find an old medicine man sitting in a patch of purple flowers, follow his instructions for further self enlightenment.


One fish, two fish, red fish, you fish.