Haley Moss and Donald Trump duel it out in a boxing ring / Photoshopper: McCabe Web
The experts are dumbfounded. Unlike previous elections, not one person could have seen this coming. The most dramatic and out-of-the-blue upset occurred yesterday at the Democratic National Convention. This is political outsider taken to the next level. The Democratic presidential candidate for the upcoming election is 18-year-old Haley Moss from Orcas Island, Washington.
The Democratic convention was chaotic. No one knew who would emerge as the candidate. At the beginning of the campaign, Moss had taken a strong stance on issues such as guns and gender, calling for the outright banning of certain firearms and the passage of the Equal Rights Amendment, to name a few. She came to the convention with low polling numbers, but then an amazing thing happened: youth began flooding in, ever increasing numbers to rally behind young Moss. Sprightly youth leaders delivered powerful speeches that received standing ovations, calling on their generation to make a difference and vote for Moss. The numbers began tipping overwhelmingly. Some are calling it a youth revolution. Others claim that Moss’ message resonated with the hearts of the public.
Despite her current high standing in the polls, nomination was not a sure thing when the first ballot was cast. Surprisingly, it only took one ballot for Moss to emerge with the required 2,382 delegates. In her acceptance speech, she outlined her vision for a liberal, equal society. Many were moved to tears and a few fainted from amazement that so liberal, honest and charismatic a politician existed.
He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named reacted to the news predictably. Despite having dismissed the special election as “fake news,” he posted several angry tweets insulting Moss and her accomplishments. The Twitterverse rose up in protest to these comments. Twitter became swamped almost immediately, forcing it to shut down temporarily due to the millions upon millions who replied to the few livid posts.
Thus far, things are looking grim for He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named. Despite denying the existence of the election, he held a political rally earlier today. All of 20 people attended.
He has also set the new record for lowest approval ratings of any president in history. Despite the NRA beginning an aggressive propaganda campaign in He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named’s favor, the polls show a similar story. Instead of the normal conservative backlash, we have a massive liberal backlash. Moss has every reason to be hopeful come November.
The one remaining obstacle is the constitutional requirement that presidents must be 35 years of age or older. A new amendment is currently working its way through Congress that lowers the age requirement to 18, readying for Moss’ potential victory.
The upcoming debates look to be very interesting. The topics have not been announced, but an anonymous source on Moss’ staff confirmed that gun control, abortion rights, and the gender pay gap are on the table. Political analysts are predicting lively exchanges, while television networks are salivating at the prospect of historic ratings.