This article is from the Satire Section.
Sports have always been a big part of student life at Orcas Island High School. In the past, many athletes played up to three seasons, including soccer, volleyball, basketball, cross-country, softball, baseball, golf, crew, sailing, and more. However, since COVID, the sports scene has changed quite dramatically. Parents and students alike have shown discomfort towards indoor and high-contact sports. The crammed schedule also gives athletes very little time to prepare for their games. In lieu of this, both golf and cross-country, being outdoor and low-contact, have substantially increased in membership. Where these sports were once considered “lame” or “not really sports”, they are now being called “the epitome of athleticism,” and are proclaimed to be the most prestigious extracurriculars by far.
Taking into account student opinions, as well as that of parents, staff, and other community members, OIHS has announced that in the 2021-2022 school year, all sports besides golf and cross-country will be canceled. When asked about this decision, school principal Kyle Freeman said “It is clear to me, the members of the school board, and Coach Wilson, that there will not be nearly enough participation to warrant any of the other athletic programs. There is so much interest in golf and cross-country that we will need to substantially alter our entire athletics department.” The great majority of students support this decision, with the exception of one former volleyball player who, when questioned about her disapproval, said “I’m so jealous. I wish I could play golf or run cross-country, but I’m just too allergic to the grass.”
After complaints from locals about the hoards of teens trying to practice on the local golf course, the school has partnered with Parks and Rec to make a state-of-the-art golf course right beside the school. The space we now call Buck Park will soon be stripped of buildings, planted with grass, and added to the course. The school’s current soccer field and grassy hill will be altered in a similar fashion. Bunkers will be added under what is now the baseball diamond, and a water hazard will be dug around the soon-to-be-removed tennis courts.
The cross-country team has also received some major new benefits. Rangers at Moran State Park have gated many popular trails, including the cascade lake and mountain lake loops, only allowing cross-country athletes to run them. While many tourists are reported to have been baffled by these changes, locals understand completely. One long-time islander said, “Giving students the use of our trails is the least we can do. They deserve the very best conditions, and we will do all we can to support their athletic growth.” Most runners are very happy with this decision. “I can finally run in peace. No more off-leash dogs chasing me down the trail, no more small children to trip over, and no more useless tourists standing in the way.” said one cross-country athlete elatedly.
As the 2020-2021 school year comes to a close, it marks an end to an era. No longer will students come to school with their knuckles scraped raw from crew, their knees dislocated from softball, or their brains concussed from soccer. No longer will volleyballs be tossed around during lunch or baseball played during science class. From now on, OIHS is focused on two things, and two things only: golf and cross-country.
Note: This article is from our satire section and is intended for entertainment purposes only.