Quiver and Shake: Our Lizard King is Here

Esteemed readers of our publication, take our warning and take a seat when we recommend, for your own health and safety, that you proceed with caution and baited breath throughout this extremely special report. Throughout this year, this journal has endeavored to bring you the most recent, relevant, hard-hitting news surrounding the epidemic of unveilings of fabled “lizard-people” dwelling among us in the halls and classrooms of Orcas Island High, seeping into our community for reasons that can only be imagined but have come to be accepted, largely, as a part of life. It is both an honor and a burden to reveal to you the single largest discovery of the lizard infrastructure and hierarchy to date: a “Lizard King,” if you will, walks side by side with our vulnerable students and faculty. Who is this member of the reptilian royalty, you may ask– who, among our known few, could be the leader of this mysterious minority of reptilian humanoids?

It must certainly be difficult to swallow that the literally cold-blooded monarch is none other than math teacher Mr. Buckner! That’s right– all this time, the captain of the partially scaled crusade has been believed to be one of our own. Please refrain from fainting in heavily populated areas at this time, for risk of interrupting the flow of foot traffic. Our intrepid undercover investigators have ascertained this much by bravely securing vantage points in the classroom of the lizard-teacher. Upon observing the teacher consuming live insects, a swampish-green tint to his almost suspiciously human-like skin, our investigators confronted him. Buckner, seemingly unsurprised, claimed his title by taking an elaborate crown from his desk and, reptilian tail now visible, an eery veil of clouds blocking all light from the windows, declared that “it is I — the Lizard King, at last approaching the moment of reckoning! Long may lizards reign!”

Reign! Reign! Reign!

Reign! Reign! Reign!

He stood atop his desk, arms stretched imperiously skyward, in the style of Lizard King Cecrops I of Athens. Our investigators quivered in terror and awe.

Despite this unveiling, we have thus far been unable to uncover the full extent of the lizard phenomenon. How many of our number are secretly part lizard? Are we responsible, in our ignorance of lizard custom and culture, for the double lives some have been forced to live? This and other questions remain largely unanswered for the time being. In our questioning of other unveiled lizard people, we had gained reasonable ease of mind in their apparent desire for nothing other than acceptance of their whole, scaled selves. The discovery of a monarch in our midst has shattered some percentage of the security we have been so willing to assure our readers of. Attempts to gain more information from lizard king Buckner has been largely unsuccessful: upon being asked whether their society maintained a largely figurehead monarchy or one still investing power in a leader decided by lineage or conquest, Buckner stared into the middle distance and muttered an invocation that sounded like something between the hissing of a juvenile gecko and Latin. Is this the motto of the lizard people? We simply don’t know.

Our investigators requested that Lizard King Buckner clarify his statement on “the moment of reckoning” he had previously referenced, but instead of answering, he stepped off from atop his desk and offered the journalists some dead moths, which were refused due to allergies. For the time being, either the catastrophic rise or peaceful acceptance of our lizard person population seems inevitable. Could a time come in which a lizard monarchy and the U.S. Democratic electoral process coexist? Only time will tell, perhaps sooner rather than later.