Potholes obscure secret documents

[AP] Eastsound, WA: Apparently, several boxes of federal presidential files clearly marked “TOP SECRET // SCI” in bright yellow and red labels have been discovered underneath the potholes in the driveway to Orcas Island High School. The files were discovered when a district employee was attempting to feed the potholes their monthly diet of gluten-free gravel.
“Perhaps we spoil ‘em,” said a district maintenance worker on condition of anonymity. “But really, the gluten-free diet does wonders for a pothole’s digestive system, if you know what I mean,” he said, pinching his nose.
Rather isolated, Orcas Island appears to be at the outer limits of locations where other top-secret documents have been found, which include Joe Biden’s Garage, Mike Pence’s (Mother told me not to mention this location), and Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago last-resort. “We’re still chasing credible leads, though,” remarked one Department of Justice investigator on condition of anonymity and $50.
If the potholes, which are still looking rather lopsided due to their gluten-free diet, are determined to have obtained the documents illegally, they may be subject to federal prosecution and—if found guilty with malice—perhaps susceptible to execution.
“Likely, we’ll appeal them right into the next century,” stated Orcas Pothole Preservation Organization Sustenance and Unity Membership (OPPOSUM) member Lily S. Quinich. “They don’t know the extent of the resources we have to protect innocent potholes from overt political interference—may I suggest that this is obviously a false flag event? Where are the pictures?”
“Figures you’d ask about the name,” Quinich continued, after being asked about the name of the group. “It’s not a misspelling—it’s an acronym, like duh.” While no information about the group’s origins is publicly available, it appears that a semi-sentient AI chatbot gave “birth” to the group in 2022, after a 14-year-old hacker by the handle of STF evoked the shadow-identity of “Quinich” from a potholebook algorithm.
“Obviously, we are dealing with a fragile internal political situation which requires the utmost delicate and empathetic understanding of our fellow human beings,” stated Cucker Tarlson on his coverage of the potholes last night. “Which is why I advise you to call the FBI, the CIA, and the ATF if you ever see a pothole! Just shut it down!” And yes, several potholes were subsequently admitted to local emergency rooms with bumps and bruises from encounters with (Mike Pence’s mother told me not to identify this group.)
“Of course our administration is on top of this revelation,” stated a White House spokesperson at a news briefing Wednesday. “We have activated Kamala Harris and sent her to Africa.” he said. Reporters in the room looked at each other.
“Look at ‘em—so peaceful!” said the Orcas Island maintenance technician as the potholes consumed their diets of gluten-free gravel and TOP SECRET // SCI documents.
“Still—“ he said, “you’d best not take anything serious here, ‘cept the first letter of each paragraph….”