Landon poses with his new best friends, Matt Lucas, Noel Fielding, Paul Hollywood, and Prue Leith/ Photoshopper: Molly Troxel
(Note: this satire article has been written purely for entertainment purposes and is not factual in any way.)
Landon Carter is many things: a high school student, an avid sailor, the managing editor of this very publication, and now a contestant on the next season of “The Great British Baking Show”. When I asked Carter how he managed to land a spot on the charming amateur British baking competition as an American teenager, Carter said “Well, it’s kind of a long story, but I am happy to tell it. Basically, it all began with my baking column, ‘Carter’s Kitchen’, which featured my pumpkin snickerdoodle recipe and was published in the last edition of the ‘Viking Voice’.” Carter went on to tell me how his column spread like wildfire on social media as everyone who tried his recipe became obsessed with the cookies’ airy texture and fall flavors. Carter continued “After that it kind of spiraled out of control, I mean, the recipe was just all over the internet, and people were obsessed. I even saw people posting that they were doing the Carter Kitchen Challenge, which, by the way, is only eating pumpkin snickerdoodles for nine days straight. And then you know, Oprah pulled a few strings for me, and next thing I knew I was talking on the phone with Paul Hollywood and he was inviting me to join the next season of ‘The Great British Baking Show’.” When I asked Carter to elaborate on how his baking column going viral led to Oprah connecting him to the steely “Great British Baking Show” judge Paul Hollywood, Carter said “I really can’t elaborate on that, I signed some non-disclosure agreements for Oprah’s lawyers to not reveal how that happened and I really, really can’t jeopardize my friendship with Oprah, so I am just going to say no comment.”
I went on to ask Carter how the show was planning to deal with, well, his Americanness. To which he said “Oh that won’t be an issue. We won’t start filming in the tent until next fall, so the show’s producers will have plenty of time to set up my fake British identity. I am actually very excited about this: my name is going to be Oliver Atkinson and I am going to be a Philosophy student from West Sussex who loves golf and is also an amateur goose farmer. Oh, and I am also going to dye my hair blond to help me get in character better.” When I inquired about what he was going to do about his American accent and the fact that he could accidentally ruin his fake identity by calling biscuits ‘cookies’, Carter was not concerned. “Don’t worry,” he said. “After I finish my homework, I stay up into the wee hours of the night practicing my West Sussex accent and studying British terms. And blimey, it makes this bloke a little bit knackered but I know when I get into that tent, it is just going to be brilliant, mate.”
After that conversation with Carter, I decided to interview another Carter, Landon’s sister Bethany, about how she feels Landon will fare in the competition. “I am expecting no less than Star Baker every week and Landon knows that. If he doesn’t get a Hollywood handshake by week three I will be very upset with him. I definitely understand that there are other talented amateur bakers that will be in the tent with him, but Landon just brings that ‘I’m an American pretending to be British’ energy to the table which I really think will be unbeatable” said Bethany. Because Landon will be busy whipping up treacle tarts and steamed puddings all of next fall, he is planning on taking a gap year before continuing his education. Of course, this will mean nothing to most of the world, who will only know Carter as Oliver the blond amateur goose farmer. When asked his actual thoughts on geese Carter said “Before I just thought of geese as the annoying duck-like birds at Cascade Lake but as I have prepared to become Oliver, I have become fascinated with not only the animal but the art of goose farming, which is truly a craft.” I finished off my interview by asking Carter why he felt it was safe for him to reveal his future secret “Great British Baking Show” identity to the Viking Voice, to which Carter said, “Well, it’s just going to be published in the satire section of the school newspaper, nobody is going to believe it, right?”