Aries: How about you leave Santa some hand sanitizer instead of cookies and milk? He will need it.
Taurus: Please keep your caroling to a minimum: singing spreads germs (and we do not think our ears could handle it).
Gemini: Grandma got run over by a reindeer? Well, at least she did not catch COVID.
Cancer: Is your Christmas wish-list just hand sanitizer, masks, and toilet paper? Because that is all you are going to get.
Leo: Neck gaiters and bandanas do not qualify as masks. Period.
Virgo: Hibernation sounds real good right about now, doesn’t it?
Libra: Taking aesthetic holiday Instagram pictures is not more important than your schoolwork.
Scorpio: Can you believe we have spent more than three-fourths of the year not leaving our houses? Oh right, you’ve been doing that for your whole life.
Sagittarius: Do not worry. You are not really a year older: 2020 does not count.
Capricorn: We are excited to see what lengths you are willing to go to to make sure we all see your new Christmas gifts.
Aquarius: Remember when we thought the Australian wildfires were going to be the defining event of 2020? Hahahahahahahah.
Pisces: Do not cut the power lines to get out of school. We repeat: do not cut the power lines to get out of school.
