Native American Ghosts Find High School Built Over Them Depressing

Island High School has been plagued by a series of unexplained phenomena. Students’ homework not being in their backpacks when they 100 percent put it there, gym clothes mysteriously showing up in the cafeteria after being missing for three months, and aux cords being cut in the boys locker room even though nobody would be so rude as to do such a thing.

These happenings are not, however, caused by human error and malice, but rather Native American ghosts who’ve grown tired of having to eternally rest under a high school. Their leader had this to say on the haunting: “It’s just really depressing, one of the benefits of being born over 500 years ago is that I never had to go to high school, but now I’m stuck under this for all eternity? This is just depressing. I’ve been next to a guy who had his face burned off for over 400 years and that’s not as depressing as seeing these kids during finals week. This girl ate part of her hair, that’s messed up. To add insult to injury, I’m buried under the locker rooms, and if I have to smell another kid using half a bottle of perfume or cologne instead of showering like a decent human being I’m stealing another bathroom stall door. Nobody wants to smell that, ever.”

Mysterious figure captured in photo at school assembly / Contributed Photo

Mysterious figure captured in school assembly photo / Contributed Photo

Most students attending the school weren’t surprised by this news. Ray Doss, one of the first students to actually see the physical manifestations, thinks the ghosts mark a turning point in the school’s future. “I really think that these ghosts can create change. Are they outsiders? Heck yeah, they are, and that’s what this school needs if we wanna become great again,” adding, “some of the ghosts are pretty nice actually. There is this one guy with one arm and half a face who helps me with math sometimes, he’s a pretty cool dude once you can get past all the screaming.”

Following their recent reveal to the public, the ghosts have also announced their plans to make the school move to another location, creating their new organization GETGTN (Ghosts for the Ethical Treatment of Ghosts and Their Naps). “Our goal,” said group head — called so because he is literally a floating head — “is to have the school relocated to somewhere where it won’t be disturbing our eternal slumber or the sleep of others like us. How would you like it if you were napping in your bed when suddenly 40 kids started sitting on top of you and started complaining about having to do an essay they should have started a week ago. Nobody deserves that. That’s why our solution is to make a boat and hold all classes there, think Suite Life on Deck.”

School officials are stumped on what course of action they should take next. Said one member of the school board, “I just don’t know who we’re gonna call on this one.”