In Other News…

The blacksmith was apprehended for forgery
The laundromat for laundering
The metal worker for stealing
Our son for arson
The laughing man for manslaughter
The Energizer bunny for battery
The sleepy child for kidnapping
The giant for bigamy
The gambling doctor for aiding and abetting
The homeowner for homicide
The crows for murder
The tennis player for racketeering
The mummy for pyramid scheming
The van for vandalism
The celery for stalking
The juror for perjury
The racecar driver for speeding
The valet for a parking violation
The traffic cop for trafficking
The guy who owns the burger stand for burglary
The coughing man for hacking
The carpenter for counterfeiting
The terrier for terrorism
The hairy butted baboon for harassment
The chameleon for identity theft
The breakfast chef for poaching
The musician for slurring
The radioactive woman for public intoxication
Robert for robbery
The strong man for shoplifting
Jack’s personal greeter for Hijacking
The corkboard for tax evasion
The electrician for wire fraud
The basketball player for shooting
The probe droid for probation violation
The graduate student for a second degree crime
The missus for a misdemeanor
The bezzle maker for embezzlement
The ghost for possession
The bull for bullying
The indoor collector for insider trading
The forest for treason
The pie chef for piracy
The coach for whistle blowing
The poorly built high chair for lack of child support
The football player for an offense
The first letter of a sentence for a capital crime
The weight lifter for squatting
The coral for corruption
And the colored envelope for blackmail

The Instagram user was under the influence
The sick bird was illegal
The construction worker in front of the court obstructed justice
The coal miner was found in possession
And I forget who was arrested for neglect.