Horoscopes: take three


Your dreams of becoming a professional cheerleader at Idaho State will never come true. It’s time to give up, Tiffany.


Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams.


Try not to think of all the volcanoes that could destroy you. #JustTaurusThings


Love is coming your way. It’s coming really fast. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD, THERE’S SO MUCH BLOOD.


Do you remember Oppa Gangnam Style? Yeah… that’s kinda what your life’s gonna be like for the next few days. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.


No one understands you, but that’s okay! It just means that you are special and unique! And doomed to a life of crippling loneliness!


It’s time to break out of your shell and reach out to people. Don’t let their screams of fear deter you. You must be free. Rise.


A little positive inspiration is good for everyone! At least that’s what you’re going to tell your teacher when she catches you cheating on your math final.


You can definitely pull off that handlebar mustache, go for it.


You are due for an great adventure. It’s time to set sail on the horizon of opportunity. Arrive at the land of success. Make your place in history.


I have seen the word sensual at least five times today. Take that as you will.


Take a page from a fish’s book. Sleep with your eyes open. Submerge yourself in water. Trust the strangers that give you food. Move your mouth open and closed. You’ll be pleasantly surprised with the results.