Cancer:
Your dreams of becoming a professional cheerleader at Idaho State will never come true. It’s time to give up, Tiffany.
Aries:
Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams.
Taurus:
Try not to think of all the volcanoes that could destroy you. #JustTaurusThings
Gemini:
Love is coming your way. It’s coming really fast. OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD, THERE’S SO MUCH BLOOD.
Leo:
Do you remember Oppa Gangnam Style? Yeah… that’s kinda what your life’s gonna be like for the next few days. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Virgo:
No one understands you, but that’s okay! It just means that you are special and unique! And doomed to a life of crippling loneliness!
Libra:
It’s time to break out of your shell and reach out to people. Don’t let their screams of fear deter you. You must be free. Rise.
Scorpio:
A little positive inspiration is good for everyone! At least that’s what you’re going to tell your teacher when she catches you cheating on your math final.
Sagittarius:
You can definitely pull off that handlebar mustache, go for it.
Capricorn:
You are due for an great adventure. It’s time to set sail on the horizon of opportunity. Arrive at the land of success. Make your place in history.
Aquarius:
I have seen the word sensual at least five times today. Take that as you will.
Pisces:
Take a page from a fish’s book. Sleep with your eyes open. Submerge yourself in water. Trust the strangers that give you food. Move your mouth open and closed. You’ll be pleasantly surprised with the results.