Aries: March 21 – April 19 – Thursday night you should dine upon bell peppers and broccoli.
Taurus: April 20 – May 20 – Change your bedsheets to a paisley patterned set.
Gemini: May 21- June 21 – Buy shoes that have lambswool lining.
Cancer: June 22- July 22 – You will have a successful career in the shipping industry.
Leo: July 23 – August 22 – Do not use the downstairs bathrooms with the red stall doors for the next two weeks.
Virgo: August 23 – September 22 – Now as Jesus was walking by the Sea of Galilee, He saw two brothers, Simon who was called Peter, and Andrew his brother, casting a net into the sea; for they were fishermen. And He said to them, “Follow Me, and I will make you fishers of men.”
Libra: September 23 – October 23 – Using Microsoft Edge as a search engine will lead you to greatness.
Scorpio: October 24 – November 21 – Never read our rival, the Los Angeles Times.
Sagittarius: November 22 – December 21- In fifteen years you will get extremely involved in the hectic world of cured meats. When this happens you must refrain from attempting to cure goat meat.
Capricorn: December 22-January 19 – Your demise due to cardiac arrest will take place on September 4, 2046.
Aquarius: January 20 – February 18 – The next time you go to a thrift store you will find a painting of a horse. When you do, buy it immediately.
Pisces: February 19 – March 20 – If you explore the vents of your home you may find a small lizard who will become your loyal companion for far longer than any lizard should plausibly live.