[AP] Eastsound, WA—
Apparently, world events such as the spread of the BA.2 Omicron subvariant and the Russian invasion of Ukraine have been weighing heavily not just on those local residents tuned to their news source of choice, but also on the local ears-to-the-ground pothole population, which has recently formed a new support group.
“Potholes island-wide have been alarmed at recent news events,
but having an organized support system will allow us to navigate
discussions about these events in a welcoming, considerate environment,” stated Revive Pothole Group (RPG) spokesperson Raw
Pots. Some potholes agreed.
“Recently we discussed the injustice of the pothole conflict. Much discrimination has been committed,” noted one unnamed pothole, with a heavy sigh.
“It’s been a rough few weeks.” If the war in Ukraine is front and center in RPG’s sights, other stories nevertheless remain on their radar.
“Like, the whole Daylight Savings thing is such a kerfuffle,”noted one pothole while chewing on gravel in front of the high school. “I mean, how early do they expect us to get up? I don’t want to have to be laying around out here in the dark several hours each
morning all year round.”
Fortunately, the general mood of the potholes at Orcas Island School District remained positive, despite the possibility of perpetual
early-morning darkness.
One pothole stated,“We’ve been lucky to have been so well accommodated here—plenty of rain and an occasional feeding of fresh
gravel have made us grow quite content. Here we are, literally the lowest of the low, and this wonderful community has accepted us as their own.”
Others have found the continued presence of potholes in the high school parking lot a matter of some concern, and even alarm. One unnamed administrator reportedly went so far as to research Skcusnitup TM pot-hole-removal technology, which apparently involves large numbers of untrained conscripts and outdated armored personnel carriers (APCs). Local pothole rights groups successfully prohibited such a deployment. “Of course, that may change in the future,” noted one unidentified school board member. But at least at present, the relationship between the local pothole population and the local motorist population seems as based on a policy of mutually-assured destruction (MAD) as does the relation between many world nations. Which is to say, intact but always under strain.
“Look,” said Raw Pots at a recent pothole gathering, “nobody wants
to be knocking off hubcaps or snapping axles on a daily basis. If
we could, we’d all gladly relocate to the bottom of a nice juicy drainage
swale or small pond. But that’s not where we are. Hopefully, we can continue to remain peaceable, without needing to remain on a Cold War footing.” Several potholes nodded. One even shivered.
“Surely RPGs efforts will ensure a peaceable solution,” stated commentator Dab Aissur on condition of anonymity and a half-gallon of premium unleaded gas. “But either way, the reader is encouraged to
disregard everything here except, of course, the first letter of each
paragraph.”