Coffee: after it was cool

Consensus from the scientific community has confirmed that within the next six months coffee will no longer be able to be grown due to environmental impacts. Now that the planet has reached nuclear levels it can no longer sustain coffee orchards. This year’s yield will be the last mass produced coffee available for public consumption. Due to this recent, completely out-of-the-blue development Americans are in a panic. Grocery stores are having stampedes from customers who are attempting to buy as much coffee as possible, and many citizens have been hoarding the goods for years in case this happened. International café chain Starbucks has been swarmed by greedy customers and is struggling to provide for the mile-long lines. Restaurants, diners and other food services have marked coffee up as premium, now charging upwards of $20 per nine-ounce cup.


Precious coffee wasted / Image Credit: Keith Light

America is the country struggling the most, as on average four-hundred-million cups of coffee were consumed a day, before the crop failure of 2020. It has all gone downhill from there. Many regular drinkers are cutting back on consumption or attempting to go cold turkey in quitting, CA (Caffinators Anonymous) meetings have become increasingly common and approximately 23 percent of the American population regularly attends the daily meetings. On top of this, rehab centers have been instituted and many send their loved ones there in order to be cured of caffeine withdrawal. More than 90  percent of attendees relapse. It is clear to see that this is the greatest tragedy in recent history.

While Americans are struggling with coffee deficiency, countries such as Brazil are struggling financially as coffee is their largest source of national income. Black tea companies, mainly based in England, have had a large uptick in international sales as frequent coffee drinkers use it as a vice.

This huge calamity has led to the economic downfall of many nations, as well as a national, panic-induced frenzy. Our hope is that the world can recover quickly from this ordeal, like with the chocolate blight. Stay safe in the markets, and whatever you do avoid the coffee aisle.