For years I’ve had a dark secret. One so shameful I have hid it from everyone I love, except my mom who caught me red-handed one stormy night. She didn’t seem too concerned, but after that I used incognito mode, left one ear bud out, and locked the door to my bedroom. This is my last year of high school and my football team, the Sea Slugs, (I’m the Captain and the Quarterback) is really important to me, but my addiction is keeping me up late at night and leading to a decline of energy during practice. I know you won’t judge me like everyone else will, I just need some advice on how to stop. This is hard for me to say, but I’m ready to come out and say it: I write Nickelback fanfictions using Comic Sans font while listening to “Look at this Photograph” on repeat. I don’t post them online because they are more for my own stress relief and I would rather keep some things personal, but I am positive that I would gather quite an online following because they are so well written. When I hear the smooth voice of Chad Kroeger and listen to the meaningful lyrics of Nickelback songs I go into a state of pure tranquility. It’s what I listen to in order to prepare for games. I sincerely believe that they are the reason my team won the State Football Championship in 2014. There is such passion in their music that the only way I can express my feelings is by writing them and the only font I feel that really shows the complexity of the emotions is Comic Sans. I know most people disagree, that’s why I want to keep this on the DL, but I can’t help myself. I stay up until 3 o’clock every morning just spilling my heart out into my writing. My friends and I haven’t hung out for too long, I’m losing them and my family. I love Nickelback to my heart’s fullest extent, but I can’t continue like this. Please help me get over this so that I can join society again, even if it means giving them up.
I’m glad to have received your letter, as it shines a light on a very important issue that has plagued individuals since the release of Nickleback’s EP Hesher in 1996. Of course, I’m referring to Nickleback Obsessive Disorder (NOD). NOD affects 1 in 10 people at some point in their lives, and very little is known about its causes. Symptoms of NOD include listening to, and memorizing, all eight of Nickleback’s albums, obsessively writing Nickleback fanfictions, and spending hours defending them from their critics on the internet. Presently there is no cure for NOD, but fortunately there is medication available to suppress the symptoms associated with NOD. This medication is called NickleNotBack. NickleNotBack effectively suppresses all the major symptoms associated with NOD, with none of the nasty side effects of other prescription medications,* once again making you able to join society. (Note: Side effects of NickleNotBack include dizziness, headaches, stomach aches, seasonal affective disorder, bloating, cramping, excessive hair growth, irritability, sterility, hyper-fertility, liver failure, hair loss, sudden cravings for human flesh, dry mouth, foot-in-mouth, mouth to mouth, Smash Mouth, and in extreme cases death. Do not take NickleNotBack if you are nursing, pregnant, or ever wish to be pregnant. NickleNotBack is not effective against obsessions with Fall Out Boy, Panic! at the Disco, Taylor Swift, One Direction, The Beatles, German death metal, 80’s one hit wonder band A-Ha, or Starship). So talk to your doctor, and ask if NickleNotBack is right for you. I know it was the right choice for me *wink.*
Also the fact that you used Comic Sans as a legitimate font is deplorable. Unfortunately there is no pill for such a heinous action, and you will live out the rest of your days as a social pariah. So decades from now, when you’re old, alone, and dying, think about the terrible act you’ve committed and the mistakes that lead you there.