Statistics have shown approximately 63% of the student body has decided that over break, everything they’ve been planning to do will get done. “Maybe I’ll do like, half of my online class,” stated an anonymous survey participant. “Or even all of it. I’ll finish everything I had to do for American Lit. Maybe I’ll read all of Native Son. I’ll even start writing the essay. The essay will be done.” A nearby student readily chimed in. “Oh yeah, I even began thinking about it. I’ll have so much free time. I’ll get up so early. I’ll study for my exams, I’m going to mow lawns, or something.”
Jo Gudgell after her hopes and dreams were crushed / Contributed photo
Roughly 80% of the student body has declared their work will definitely, absolutely get done before 10 PM, the Sunday before break ends, and there’s absolutely no way they’ll let their piles of reading build up before they have a semi-breakdown in front of the latest season of Say Yes to the Dress. “I’m just so happy she said yes,” sobbed another anonymous student, considering everything they had to do for their history class, including a massive list of short-answer questions to 2 fifty-page chapters. “I’ll say yes to the dress one day, and none of this will even matter.”
On the Saturday before break ended, a great majority of students began frantically messaging their friends via online chat groups on Facebook. After changing the group photo 3 times in a sad panic, many sadly asked the group what the homework was. “I asked everyone I knew what the answer to #33 was, and no one knew, so I guess I’m okay,” stated one student at 3 AM, 5 hours before she had to get up for school. “Oh my god, what have I done,” said another.
View counts on the Youtube video for “The Sound of Silence” by Simon & Garfunkel skyrocketed the Sunday before break ended. Reports indicate nearly 97% of these views were attributed to the under eighteen age group. The other 3% was attributed to adults who had stumbled in on their children feverishly watching Arrested Development “top 10 funniest clips” videos online, and wanting to just “figure out what that song was playing in the background.”