Fruit Strokers Anonymous: Aunt Sally

lettuceDear Aunt Sally,

Every day at 4:13 in the morning and afternoon I am overcome with an intense and all-consuming desire to stroke fruit, specifically stone fruit. I don’t get any sleep anymore; instead, I spend all day and night in dull solitude as I anticipate the sweet release of produce petting. My work is suffering, I can’t concentrate on restocking the shelves when the peaches are flashing me side-drupe. All I can think about are mounds of peaches, apricots, nectarines, plums, and even cherries just waiting to be caressed and when the clock hits 4:13 I finally sate my desire. In a pinch, seeded fruit will do. But while I love this crop cuddling it has interfered with my life too munch, my dreams may never come to fruition if I keep up this obsession. Please help me find a way to grow past this dark patch. I’m losing everything I have, even my health. My Vitamin C levels are dangerously low because I can’t pear the thought of eating any of my precious pomes. There is nothing good here, just cold hard stone fruit and the shriveled remains of my dream of being a professional rubber chicken maker.

With urgency,


aunt-sally-f2Dear DefinitelyNotAFakeName,

The road to recovery for your affliction is remarkably short. First take every piece of fruit in your house and put them in your bathtub. I’m not talking just stone fruit, but any fruit, including the weirdo fruits like cucumbers and tomatoes. After you’ve gathered the fruit you’ll need to find three eggs. Break two of them over the fruit in the bathtub, the third is to be set aside for later use. This next step is crucial, remove the head of a hammer and hold it in your left hand, while holding the hammer’s handle in your right. With this hammer/handle combo begin smashing all the fruit. This part is the hardest, but you’ll have to muster all your strength to destroy the fruit. Once you’ve gotten it all mashed into a nice pulp you’ll have to put the egg you set aside earlier in your mouth and soak in the bathtub for exactly 237 minutes. If you follow all these steps correctly you should be able to get past your fruit obsession, in fact you’ll find it positively revolting.

For a more short term fix, take some vitamin C supplements to satiate your deficiency.


Aunt Sally