The Viking vaporizer

An OIHS student evaporates / Photoshopper: Chris Waage

When school reassembled after the Covid shutdowns two years ago, students returned happy and grateful to be with each other again. At first, people were content to be at school, but soon missed the freedoms that Covid offered all of us, such as lying in bed all day and doing whatever you wanted. In these last several months, there has been an epidemic of tardiness and absences, mostly in the form of calling in sick.  

Due to the major threat of Covid being long gone, the school has realized that this many people cannot possibly be sick. According to a recent yearbook questionnaire, 93% of OIHS students have skipped school at least once this year. Overall, unexcused absences have increased by a whopping 696% since the pre-Covid years. 

For an administrative perspective, I tried reaching out to Janna Carter and Rebekah Hardy for comments on this issue, but they had both called in sick for the year. It appears the epidemic has gotten to them as well. 

To curb this serious problem, with the blessing of the school board, Principal Freeman has instituted mandatory security and disciplinary measures. A tracking device, surgically placed in the back of the neck, will monitor students’ precise locations throughout the day. If someone calls in sick, this patented device will be able to detect your vital signs and your white blood cell count, so you best be at home and in bed, or Big Brother Kyle will know.

Ten minutes or more late for school and your new device, known as ‘The Viking Vaporizer’ will give you a little zap in the back of the neck. Up to an hour of tardiness will result in a full-body electric shock. Unexcused absences or skipping school will now result in complete and instant vaporization. So if you plan on skipping a day of school, enjoy it, for it will be your last.

As someone who has never, ever, ever, ever, ever skipped school, I am ecstatic about this long-overdue protocol. Because of the new measures, class sizes will likely go down, leaving only those students who are worthy to learn. The new devices will be installed upon returning from Spring Break, so enjoy your freedom while you have it. Since I am never late nor have I ever skipped school, I will not have to worry about my future; as for the rest of you…I am not so sure.