Talking Polar Bear Migrates South

Dallas the polar bear enjoys a breakfast of croissants on the Village Green / Photoshopper: Molly Troxel

Orcas Island is no stranger to occasional bear activity, but the recent arrival of a talking male polar bear has shocked the island community. The bear, who has told local reporters that he traveled from Greenland in search of a viable food source, currently resides on the Village Green. He lives off of croissants purchased from local bakeries and takes occasional dips in the Salish Sea to cool off. Experts in the polar bear research field have been utterly perplexed by the strange habits of the island’s newest resident, “It’s not like I can present you with some groundbreaking research about why a polar bear can talk or why a carnivore can live off of croissants” said Dr. Eliza Iceling, the premier polar bear expert at Aurora College.

The polar bear himself is not aggressive and is instead a talkative, self-proclaimed Buddhist who loves meditating and yammering to interested reporters about anything other than the topics they present. When questioned about his acquisition of the English language, considering that Danish is much more frequently spoken in his native country, the bear said in his high falsetto voice which possesses a curiously Texan twang: “Do y’all think I should become a vegan? ‘Cause like I really want to save the planet ‘cause y’all know melting ice is why I’m here. But most polar bears primarily eat seals, so would I be betraying my species? I don’t know, but boy, I would definitely be betraying my love of croissants.”

Fox News has declared the polar bear a robot planted by the liberals in order to spread fake news about the climate change hoax, a statement which seriously offends the polar bear, who has told reporters his name is Dallas. “Y’all know that I believe in karma and I think what goes around comes around. I am just saying, there are some polar bears in the north whose ice is melting who have yet to discover the art of meditation like I have. And who knows what happens when they have to migrate south” said Dallas.

Talk of what to do with Dallas the polar bear has struck up a national debate. Some say he is happy in his current home and should not be sent north or to a zoo, as it would lower his quality of life.

Others, particularly locals, are concerned about Dallas’ safety when tourist season comes around. Dallas, as always, had quite a few thoughts on the matter, “Y’all know you can’t send me to a zoo, there ain’t no croissants there. And the ice was melting right under my feet in the arctic, I can’t go back there right now. I say best case scenario, Biden passes some really good environmental legislation and then I can move back to Greenland in five to ten years when the ice is solid again. That would be great. Then y’all can ship me croissants to eat up there.”

The fate of the polar bear’s future is in limbo right now and might end up in the hands of the Biden administration. Until then, Dallas is concentrating on capitalizing off of his fame by launching his own independent pastry line, “Dallas’ Polar-izingly Good Pastries”, leading meditation sessions for local community members, and, of course, eating croissants.

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