San Juan Islands to Build Bernie Sanders Statue Likened to Christ the Redeemer

San Juan County has vehemently opposed the newly inaugurated Donald Trump. To show solidarity against the President, Orcas Public Works will construct a 70-foot-tall granite Bernie Sanders statue atop Mt. Constitution. The county — voting 87 percent for Bernie Sanders in the 2016 precinct — has pushed for a statue that will “stare in to the souls of capitalists provoking a sensation of utter distress, kind of like when I heard that coconut water isn’t sold at Island Market in the winter,” said lead project designer Malcom Gravy.

The idea came about when members of the Bernie Sanders political group first met. “We really wanted something to show for what this island stood for, and what better a way to do that than to construct a 70-foot-tall Bernie Sanders,” said local Sanders group advocate Melanie Lorry. Public meetings have been held at the local municipality, which has brought out many concerned voices, including 23-year-old Bam Sheezer: “I just don’t like the idea, it’s eerie, man … I live in Doe Bay, and what if Bernie’s hand fell off. The man has really huge hands, you know … it could roll down the hill and by the time it reached my house it would be going pretty fast, 100 miles-per-hour fast. Who would want Bernie’s hand killing their son. I wouldn’t.”

Others have said that the idea is poorly planned, stating that “anyone who thinks that a Bernie statue would be is a good idea is an idiot. I happen to live directly in the would-be shadow of Bernie. I also happen to be completely off-the-grid. Bernie Sanders stood for renewable energy, right? Well, guess what, Bernie Sanders would be standing, 24-7, in the opposition of renewable energy. It’s just not well thought out.”

Various editorials have been sent in to The Viking Voice, and among those stand Area Teenager, who built his argument around the idea that “it would be really funny because you could see up Bernie’s pants if you climbed up his shoe.” The letter went on for two pages and included collages of Sanders, poetry, and a family photo album.

For now, the idea is still in its early stages, and information has been limited, but fear not! The moment a bulldozer touches the sacred ground of Orcas — the call-sign of every environmental activist — smoke signals will raise through the cold February sky and every Prius west of Eastsound will buzz down to the ferry and seduce the driver with a cornucopia of aromatic soaps and naturally grown yarn.