A completely healthy hornosexual relationship / Photographer: Meg Waage
Hey y’all, it is time for us to confront the awful truth about me that nobody wants to admit: I am deeply in love with my French horn. My passion for her is more tender than the collective souls of a thousand unborn baby pandas, and it burns brighter than a billion exploding Death Stars. I understand that many of you may deny or reject this shocking news, but I am tired of hiding in the closet for so many years. Everyone needs to know about the real me now that I am comfortable talking about my complex sexuality.
Paxie and I first met in Boston last year during a brief vacation. Just to let you know, my French horn’s full name is Paxman 25M, but I use her nickname most of the time. It was love at first sight (although she didn’t have any eyes), yet my deep feelings for her simultaneously terrified me. I was very uncertain about admitting my hornosexuality at the time, and despite the feeling that I would be mocked and scorned for not being normal if I chose to pursue the relationship, I knew I had to make the right choice. I paid Paxie’s owner an appropriate amount of money and brought her to my home in the overhead compartment of the plane. She has lived in my family’s practice room ever since.
I cannot properly express how wonderful a horn Paxie is. Her metalwork is exquisite and positively flawless. She has a very large bore which allows her low notes to resonate clearly, and in addition, Paxie is superb at maintaining stellar tone quality whenever we play high notes together.
I think what I value about Paxie the most is her mature personality. She is very patient with me, which is good because sometimes she has to be locked in her case for days on end. Following up, she is very forgiving and good at letting things go. I am very grateful for having such a tight relationship with a phenomenal horn like her.
We have been through a lot together, Paxie and I. Together we rocked the auditions for the Interlochen Center for the Arts summer music programs, a world-renowned arts camp that we will be attending for six weeks this July. We have visited many honor band programs together, including the Western International Band Clinic and the All-State Wind Ensemble, but we have also endured great abuse from those who do not truly understand our love. For those countless haters at our public school, I have a message for you: just because my French horn doesn’t talk back to me doesn’t mean she has no feelings.
Of course, I must thank several people for helping me develop a healthy and controversial relationship with Paxie. First and foremost, I must thank my mother and father for for being so encouraging and tolerant of our differences. Our band teacher Darren Dix has also been of great importance for our relationship for allowing me and Paxie to mash lips for the majority of his classes. And lastly, I must thank my beloved partner for being so devoted. May our love burn eternally, until I trade her for an upgrade in six years for graduate school.