Disturbing statistics collected this quarter show evidence of a debilitating drug epidemic sweeping through Orcas Island High School. Studies have shown that 87 percent of the student population are regularly overdosing on the dangerous stimulant Bismuth Subsalicylate, more commonly known as “InstaCool”. This highly addictive drug rewires vulnerable juvenile minds to think in dark and twisted ways to appease their classmates and the unrealistic standards enforced by society.
Although many students become hooked on InstaCool for the false impression of being liked by others, the costs greatly outweigh the benefits. Upon taking InstaCool, the user immediately feels the urge to constantly preen in front of a mirror and not take responsibility for his or her actions. Other common problems induced by consuming InstaCool include obsessing about football and the Kardashians, refusing to acknowledge parental advice, pointlessly flexing muscles in front of members of the opposite sex, drinking copious amounts of dubious liquids, flipping their hair, and needlessly tormenting those they feel are socially inferior to them.
Despite the fact that many students and teachers are aware of InstaCool’s presence in our lives, many are unwilling or unable to take action. Options for rehabilitation exist in our school system, including books, Legos, several arts programs, and Mr. Austin. However, by the time the user is blinded by their three inches of applied makeup, dating others merely for social status purposes, acting like cretins to amuse other InstaCool users, and practicing their “woohoos” for the five parties scheduled that weekend, it is far too late for recovery.
We cannot continue to turn a blind eye toward InstaCool’s clutch on our beloved school. Without proper measures to crack down on InstaCool usage, our school will spiral into a raucous cesspool where pride is not a sin nor patience a virtue. If you regularly take InstaCool, it is essential that you stop ingesting it and join a math club immediately to flush the harmful toxins from your body. Try to be silent for five seconds to listen to those who are constantly being drowned out by your incessant shrieking. Resist the urge to check Instagram during a science lecture, although it may be strong. And most important of all, spread the word of InstaCool’s harmful effects to your friends and family. It is of great importance for the student populace to understand the dangers of taking InstaCool. For more information, consult health teacher Cindy Elliott or the person eating lunch in a corner by him or herself.