Mr. Austin: sleepy teacher or CIA sleeper?

Mr. Austin’s writing classes at Orcas Island High School are notorious for their tough tests of patience and endurance, whether you are writing an essay or a short thesis. However, what may not be known is that there may be a secret reason for Mr. Austin’s strict teaching style. It is widely known that the CIA places great value on perfect grammar and sentence structure, which enables them to outdo the Russians in the “language war.” The intense competition of this conflict has resulted in a significant number of casualties, prompting the CIA to deploy sleeper agents in schools throughout the United States. These sleeper agents are tasked with securing a steady stream of grammar-loving cadets.

While it may seem far-fetched to imagine that a small high school on a remote island in the Pacific Northwest could be a target of the CIA’s recruitment efforts, sources have confirmed that the agency has been recruiting a vast majority of their cadets from Mr. Austin’s classes for several years now. This has led some to speculate that Mr. Austin’s English classes may be a covert training ground for future CIA agents.

Despite the agency’s secrecy, some clues suggest that something more may be going on in Mr. Austin’s classroom. For one, the mass amount of media in his classroom is a clever ploy to subconsciously alter your brain chemistry, leading to a strangely connected love of writing and an interest in pursuing a government job. Additionally, there have been reports of strange men in suits hanging around the school, and some students have reported receiving suspicious phone calls from people claiming to be recruiters for government agencies.

After students take Mr. Austin’s classes, the CIA influence is apparent. Many students have presented with uncanny abilities to construct perfect sentences and analyze complex texts with ease, all phenomenons indicative of something more than just a good education. While the agency has neither confirmed nor denied these allegations, it is evident that the intelligence community has a vested interest in our school.