Procrastination nation nation crustacean


Image credit goes to …who has time for this? This is too much. I’m going to take a break.

In a turn of surprising events, high school students are procrastinating when tasked with doing their homework. A recent study by the government organization This Is Not A Real Organization, found that high school students are procrastinating at alarming rates. “We always knew that high school students procrastinated a little,” says an official looking man wearing a dark suit and sun glasses inside, “but this is utterly ridiculous. Our research indicates that students are putting significantly more effort into not doing their homework than they are when actually doing it. They act as if simply because they got the homework out of their backpack that they are then entitled to a study break.” The man’s shoulders slumped and he began muttering and weeping softly as he was led away by his colleagues. Evidently, this is a matter of emotional tension for many. Statistics from  a recent study found that 69/420 high school students are chronic procrastinators, and half will dabble in the dark art of delay. “I just don’t know how it happens,” an Orcas High school student tearfully admits, “I’ll be sitting there, staring at a blank document and suddenly it’s 1 in the morning and I’ve just finished the second season of the show Dance Moms. I’ll have 7 pudding cups next to my bed that I don’t remember eating. I just black out. It’s tearing my family apart.” Another student joins in saying: “You give yourself 30 minutes, then an hour, then 2 hours. And you think to yourself, ‘what’s the harm’ and then you have to look into your dog’s eyes after you use the ‘the dog ate my homework’ excuse for the 3rd time.” The tearful account was interrupted by a young male student running through the conversation with a fist full of notes in his hand followed by what can only be described as a small mob of students clamoring to copy them before their next class. The problem of procrastination is turning the school into the fiery chaos of anarchy. What is next in this morally crumbling society? Luckily, we will never have to worry about students just not doing their homework.