Horoscopes: Your Future Is on This Page


Just because you moved to Santa Fe and started dating a guy with a ponytail doesn’t mean you’re an artist, Margaret. Someone had to tell you.


It’s time to start following your gut! When you feel that distinct tugging sensation followed by the unbearable pain of your small intestine being yanked from your body, you should definitely follow it.


Start being more honest with yourself and others. Saying what comes to mind is the start of a lot of great conversations and usually ends with you on the business end of a taser, so … win-win.


You’re not sure how you found yourself covered in jello and with a swarm of angry bees following you, but you can assume that it’s the same situation as last time.


Before getting your horoscope, please go to my website www.Drake.com and read my 642 pages of meditations on the intrinsic worth and timelessness of Hot Line Bling.


You were born purely by chance and so were your parents and your parents before you. Click to the next page to find your love match to bear even more pointless children trapped in this tapid existence.


I looked up one of those fake horoscope things and your sign’s food was cotton candy. This can only be taken two ways and both of them are bad. I hope you choose accordingly.


When life seems cold and pointless just remember you can always turn to that idiot next to you who locked his keys in his car and enjoy a good laugh. Unless you are that idiot. Then life is truly a dark, keyless horizon.


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The next few weeks are gonna kinda feel like that time you watched a montage of people falling on treadmills on Youtube. Other people’s pain, your pain from banging your hand on the table, humor, and sweet, sweet satisfaction.


Is Scooby Doo still going on? I miss it.


If you don’t like Scooby Doo please take it up with me behind the school at 3:05. I will defend him and his comrades to my death.