Aries
Don’t forget to buy flowers for your valentine! Oh, wait….
Taurus
If they give you gum every day they’re not being nice, you’re being Pavlov-ed. Stay aware.
Gemini
Think you’re so smart? Try saying a tongue twister. That’s what I thought. Bonehead.
Cancer
BATMAN CALZONY?!?!?!?! AVOCADO PLUSHIE?!?!?!?!?!?
Leo
We would criticize your ego, but we both know you’d just be happy we’re talking about you.
Virgo
You don’t actually miss Freshman year, you just miss having a sense of control over your future.
Libra
We all know you’re traveling over break, the repetitive reminders are becoming annoying.
Scorpio
Love is in the air. So are clouds. Cloud rhymes with loud. Be quiet more often.
Sagittarius
We realize one bad experience with a Sagittarius doesn’t validate our anger. We genuinely hope you have a wonderful month and only good things come to you. Unless you’re ******. You know what you did.
Capricorn
Heart chocolates are only $10, this is a formal hint.
Aquarius
You don’t “love them” you’ve just tied much of your identity to them liking you and now feel incomplete without their approval. Therapy does wonders.
Pisces
Re-entering your Lana Del Rey phase does not count as character development. You’re actually devolving.