Dear Sally,
My girlfriend and I have been having a huge disagreement lately. Since we can’t seem to settle it, I’m asking for your help. I say that because tomatoes are technically fruits, ketchup is a smoothie. She disagrees because tomatoes are the only fruit in ketchup. Please tell me — is ketchup a smoothie? And if so, why?
Thanks,
Tom Atoes
Dear Tom,
It’s a freaking condiment you soggy noodle. A bottle of Heinz Ketchup is made of tomato concentrate, vinegar, high fructose corn syrup, salt, onion powder, natural flavoring, and spice (whatever that means). What kind of psychopath puts vinegar and salt in a smoothie? Do you also call mayonnaise a breakfast food because there is egg in it? Also, a smoothie can have only one fruit in it, so your girlfriend is also wrong. Stop arguing about this and do humanity a favor and don’t reproduce with each other or at all.
Lots o’ love,
Aunt Sally