Due to Valentine’s Day© Ltd. seeming immunity to economic downturn (even increasing in profit during the 2008 recession), many believed it would avoid the cutbacks that many companies are enduring right now. However, amid recent market uncertainties and a record low number of couples, the company is reporting a number of layoffs, among other cost-cutting measures. Whispers of internal restructuring have been breezing through the company as well, with a focus on clearing out any “dead-weight” departments.
“For years we have rested on our laurels as the premier love-causing conglomerate in the world. We were stuck in our ways and never saw the need to innovate or change.
Now, though, our goal is to get back to our roots: impaling hapless individuals with love arrows, and getting relationships going,” said CEO and spokesperson Cupid in a recent press interview. The company has cited three major reasons for the weak quarter: growing expenses, an increase in competition, and general unattractiveness among people.
To address the first point, the company says it will be cutting many “superfluous” positions. “As cute as they were, the miniature unicorns just weren’t worth the quite frankly outrageous union rate they charged. The pixies too are just more than we can really justify, so we are cutting that entire department,” said Cupid told in a special interview. “Don’t worry about their livelihoods though, we are ensuring they can find employment with the Tooth Fairy,” he added. Cupid also mentioned they would be cutting production on chocolate boxes and rose bouquets as cost cutting measures, but said that they would keep up production of those weird candy-chalk hearts that nobody seems to like, stating they were “absolutely critical to the whole operation.”
The company will also be outsourcing much of the love-arrow shooting to a fleet of highly trained bears and a platoon of 13th century Mongolian archers. According to inside sources, the Cherub Armada has been increasingly troublesome, with many demanding “fair pay” and “reasonable
hours.” The current ¢20 an hour wage has not increased since 1823, and workers are expected to make 220 hour work weeks. Cupid has refused to comment on worker demands.
When we asked him about any unforeseen problems that were affecting them, Cupid told us that people were becoming more and more unattractive. Despite the company’s best efforts, people were just too repulsive to attract one another. “It’s unprecedented!” Cupid explained to us. “These goobers are just so ugly, inside AND out, we can’t work with it! Even our most potent love potions don’t seem to have any effect. Quite frankly, we’re at a loss here.” To counteract the general loathsomeness of the public, Valentine’s Day© has started to advertise helpful slogans to help people get any semblance of mojo. These slogans, which include “Showers: They just work” or “Maybe he doesn’t want to hear about my armpit fungus” have already been shown to be effective. The company has also been providing paper bags to cover people’s faces with the tagline “You can’t hate what you can’t see!”