Charlie Holmes: Lizard? We Don’t Think So

As we all know, the lizard people of Orcas Island have been the silent minority of our community. They stood strong through their unveiling and have told their stories faithfully through our paper. The lizard community deserves our support and respect. Their oily scales and weird tongues have stolen our hearts and slimed our hallways. We are so glad they have established a community for themselves here on Orcas.

This guy is not a lizard / Photographer: Anonymous

This guy is not a lizard / Photographer: Anonymous

However, the new public awareness of our reptilian friends has created a rather surprising movement among our fellow students. Lizard people have become a new and shocking fad throughout the school, and a frightening amount of wanna-be lizards roam the halls. Prominent among them is junior Charlie Holmes. He can be seen scurrying around the halls, hiding in dark places, sticking out his tongue, and looking confused. When asked about why he’s pretending to be a lizard, Holmes replied “I AM A LIZARD, but I better gecko-ing because I’m late for class.” He said this just before scaling a wall and making, according to an esteemed Viking Voice scientist, “A weird lizard noise; most lizards don’t make any noise but I guess he’s the type of lizard that makes noise. That’s okay I guess.”

lizard charlie wannabe

Uhh … not a lizard? / Contributed photo

To clarify, Charlie Holmes, despite his mannerisms and authentic lizard suit, is not a true Lizard Person. “Iguana be loved,” cried Holmes when asked about his antics. However, according to genuine lizard person Ray Doss, these crocodile tears are “not real crocodile tears.”

“Its an expression. He’s faking; he just wants the street/sewer cred that comes with being a lizard person. I, as well as the other lizard people of Orcas Island find this incredibly insulting.” In a passionate plea for justice, Doss calls for Holmes to “shed his fake skin.” Others feel this is all just Holmes’ attempt to promote his career as a professional musician, a … rap-tile.