Aries – Hey, caffeine is great, but sleep is cool too (just not in class)!

Taurus – A shame Santa can’t give you the ability to be emotionally vulnerable.

Gemini – No, you can’t have Gray for Secret Santa.

Cancer – May your holidays be full of food and calories (please don’t drink olive oil).

Leo – Making the same mistakes multiple times isn’t “good for the plot,” you’re just an idiot.

Virgo – You’re supposed to be neurotic about cleaning… so why does your room look like that?

Libra – You’re not “fighting demons,” you’ve just been faced with a minor inconvenience.

Scorpio – Fun fact: shopping for yourself and re-gifting for your friends does not scream “Christmas spirit.”

Sagittarius – Patience is a learned skill. Learn it.

Capricorn- I don’t have a whole lot of advice this week, just wing it I guess. Make muffins maybe?

Aquarius – Aspirations of mediocrity. Increase your soup intake.

Pisces- Happy tears are still tears. Work on keeping it in babes.